


hey, those two should really date.

by situational_irony_13



Series: K-Cup Coffee Verse [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And so do I, College Professors AU, Daisuga because I'm incapable of writing them not in love, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort (kind of), I didn't want to tag it all on its own, I tried to write a platonic friendship but I might not be able to, Kind of a quasi-5+1, M/M, Oh yea, Oikawa and Iwaizumi are completely fucking oblivious, Playful (but is it really) competition, Rated T for language cos Iwaizumi swears, Self-indulgent fluff, Sexual Tension, They might all be in their respective relationships if you squint hard enough, They're like all friends, Volleyball but I cheated out of really writing it cos I can't, i'm literally just stalling by adding tags, kind of, light angst? maybe? later?, no one asked for this, uhhh I took like a shit-ton of liberties cos college
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23654959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/situational_irony_13/pseuds/situational_irony_13
Summary: Is it an extramarital affair if your students want you to date your husband?Iwaizumi and Oikawa want to know.Or at least they would, if they weren't fucking blind.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Series: K-Cup Coffee Verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703149
Comments: 69
Kudos: 700





	1. Oh, how the turntables...

**Author's Note:**

> This is my continuation to K-Cup Coffee with WAY MORE CHARACTERS. Yes, it might have been a mistake. No, they're not in this chapter. 
> 
> I'm gonna be honest I had so much fun writing this fic that I already finished 4 chapters, so y'all are guaranteed that. 
> 
> I'd like to thank my betas for being lifesavers (especially my best friend Raven, who gives me way too much shit about where I place my periods and my typos.)

Honest to God, Iwaizumi did not do this on purpose.

If anyone did this on purpose, it was fucking Oikawa, who would find this situation amusing. 

Iwaizumi was minding his own business, getting ready to pass back exam papers to his students, and was in a surprisingly good mood. Why shouldn’t he be? He had his favorite travel mug in his hands, filled with Ethiopian dark roast. The large majority of his applied poli sci students had passed his last exam, many clearing the bar with room to spare. 

He had no doubts; today was going to be a good day.

He took a long sip of coffee as his students put their notes away, getting ready to receive their exam papers. 

Iwaizumi pulled a large sheaf of papers out of his briefcase, and would have begun distributing if he hadn’t noticed distinct, loopy, red writing on the top sheet. Another cursory glance and his mind registered far too many numbers on the page to correspond to his student’s exams.

Iwaizumi let out a frustrated groan. He graded in green pen, precisely to prevent anything like this from ever happening.

His students had started giving him curious, concerned glances. He needed to do something, quickly. 

“Everyone, freeze! Just, wait right there in your seats, I’ll be back before you know it. And if any of you decide to do something stupid, I’ll assign another essay from hell about Gramsci’s Theory of Hegemony.” The class let out a collective groan, but Iwaizumi barely heard it as he sprinted out of the classroom, clutching the stack of papers.

Of course the science department was on the other side of campus, naturally. Anything the universe (and fucking Oikawa) can do to make Iwaizumi’s life miserable.

He ended up doubled over outside of the Science department’s office, coughing.

“Where’s-” a more violent cough, complete with a wretched gasp for air. “Where’s Oikawa?”

Anyone ordinary would have been concerned, but Kuroo Tetsurou barely looked up at him before pointing vaguely and saying “Room 223.”

Iwaizumi tore toward the room, but stood outside to catch his breath before he walked in. He wasn’t going to be an absolute mess when he walked in there. Oikawa had done just this, and had played it off coolly, and professionally. He can do the exact same thing; be cool, be professional-

“Hey, Shittykawa!”

Oikawa, in the middle of gesturing wildly at a set of slides, jumped and looked at Iwaizumi in confusion. The rest of the class looked, quite frankly, very alarmed. It would appear that panting, sweaty, and quite angry men rarely entered the premises quite so vocally. 

“I mean, Oikawa-san. It appears we had a small mix-up,” he continued smoothly.

Oikawa continued to stare dumbly at him. Iwaizumi was ready to deck him.

“These,” he gestured, “are your papers.” 

Oikawa still said nothing, but began to swivel his head back and forth between Iwaizumi and his students. Iwaizumi grunted. A student in the back coughed.

“Where are my papers?” Iwaizumi grumbled out.

Oikawa wordlessly handed Iwaizumi a stack. Iwaizumi nodded, and walked swiftly out the door.

Oikawa still hadn’t regained the powers of speech.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Once Oikawa had managed to return himself to his previous self, one gesturing wildly at slides while his students rapidly wrote down what was relevant (which was about one sentence in every three he spoke), a single student had the audacity to bring up the encounter.

“How did you and Iwaizumi-san accidentally switch papers? The History department is at the other end of campus.”

Oikawa, at this point, was still preoccupied with the fact that Iwa-chan had entered his classroom while he was lecturing. He had called him “Shittykawa” in front of his students! Quite frankly, he was equally amused and infuriated. He gave what he believed to be a completely innocuous response. 

“We grade papers together at lunch. Must’ve gotten mixed up.” 

Oikawa proceeded to leave the room, unaware of the bomb he had just dropped. To the 50 20-something year olds in his class, Oikawa had just implied that two professors from different departments (whose many past interactions had been hilarious and impactful) aligned their lunch times and met up together to grade papers.

It took a mere three more hours for these 50 students to get #iwaoiexists trending on their campus Twitter.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Iwaizumi knew that dinner was going to be a tense affair. He didn’t expect Oikawa to not speak one word to him all day since he barged into his class.

Actually, he completely expected it. The perks of having known Tooru for far, far too long.

Which is why Iwaizumi decided to just provoke him and get the whole thing over with. 

“Oi, Shittykawa. You took my papers. I needed to distribute them. What did you expect me to do?”

Oikawa looked at him sharply, with rage painted clearly on his face. Of course he was expecting Iwaizumi to start a fight. They’d really known each other for far too long.

“Anything other than walk through the door, pant like a dog in heat, and yell, ‘Hey, Shittykawa. Here are your papers!’” Oikawa’s impersonation of him was just as bad as it was in elementary school. The thought made Iwaizumi want to smile, but he knew the moment he cracked a smile, Oikawa would just get worse. 

“I’m sorry, Tooru. But really it was your fault for taking the wrong stack of papers. Green pen is mine, red pen is yours remember?” Iwaizumi began the process of soothing Oikawa, making his voice far softer.

“I stood there! For like three minutes! Opening and closing my mouth like a fish, with no sound coming out!” Oikawa complained.

Iwaizumi couldn’t help it; a smile flitted across his face and though he tried to suppress it, Oikawa saw it immediately.

“Don’t laugh at me, Iwa!” Oikawa whined, but it lacked the heat of his previous statements.

Iwaizumi figured it was safe for him to walk forward and wrap his arms around Oikawa, nuzzling at his chin. 

“Iwa-chan…!” Oikawa whined, lightly flicking him in the forehead.

“Tooru…” Iwaizumi hummed, beginning to pepper soft kisses over Oikawa’s jaw.

And if the topic was dropped, Iwaizumi would only blame Oikawa’s lack of self-restraint. It’s not like he was trying to get that particular reaction.

Only, he was. (After all, he had known Tooru for this long.)


	2. 'playful' competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Career Fair was supposed to be a learning experience for all the students in this university. And Oikawa and Iwaizumi were completely onboard with that. 
> 
> Except for Day 3. Day 3 was personal.
> 
> After all, competition keeps things interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm gonna be honest: this chapter ended up way different than I initially envisioned it before I wrote it. I still had SO MUCH FUN writing it though. This chapter also introduces like way too many characters but I love them all and couldn't help myself. Also I really wanted to make iwaoi the only ship in this fic but is it just me or is it like a little hard to write Daichi and Suga and not envision them married? I don't know, it just happened. 
> 
> Also there's nothing I love more than laidback, sarcastic Kuroo. 
> 
> As always, anything you guys want to see (with literally any of the possible ships with these characters) let me know. I like this AU a lot and would love to continue with it, just don't really know where to go yet. I'll probably start random oneshots when I finish this fic, so any requests/inspiration would be great.
> 
> Also everyone who's commented: Gosh, y'all are lovely.
> 
> 6/18/20 - I'm re-editing for formatting and will continue to thank everyone who has read and liked this fic. Started a Kyouhaba fic in this universe, and I promise you, matsuhana is coming.

The Career Fair. 

No, that wasn’t even right. The Career _Expo._ A convention that lasted 3 days in the largest building on campus. Classes were cancelled, catering was delivered. Their university took the Career Expo really fucking seriously. 

The first two days consisted of presentations from existing professionals in lecture halls across campus as well as incredibly selective and prestigious career treks. Comparatively, Day 3 was a free-for-all; Day 3 involved the professors.

On Day 3, professors pitched their courses and departments over the course of the day to the entire student body. Different professors from each department were assigned to different convention halls, where they espoused their own specialties. For some students, it was merely for fun and could help them decide on supplementary courses for the coming academic semesters; for others, Day 3 was incredibly crucial for their success.

Undecideds and prospective teaching assistants chose their majors and departments on Day 3, largely based on the pitches of the professors. Undecided majors had just had a semester of versatile courses to find their area, and prospective TAs had just completed their first requirement to earn an education degree. 

The department with the most new students and TAs got the largest cut of the funding for the coming academic school year, which provides a good reason as to why the competition would be cutthroat. However, regardless of the enlistment numbers, every department was incredibly well-funded at their university. No, the competition was personal, and it was the liberal arts professors versus the STEM professors.

More aptly, it was Oikawa versus Iwaizumi. 

The other faculty just got a front-row seat to the action. (And popcorn.) 

It started off a form of teasing competition; after all, both Iwaizumi and Oikawa were high school athletes. Neither of them backed down from a fight. It quickly progressed into trash talk, sabotage, and all around chaos, which was exactly why Convention Hall C was always the most packed throughout the day. 

Iwaizumi knew this year would be no different. 

It was 5:30 AM, and Hall C was still relatively empty. Because the event started at 7, some professors were already setting up their booths and laying out course description materials. Iwaizumi was already on his third cup of coffee, ready to feel the pleasant buzz of caffeine. He needed to be on his A-game today. 

Iwaizumi’s booth was already set up: course descriptions and pamphlets lay side-by-side, while his poster board exclaimed the benefits of majoring in political science or any history subject. In all honestly, he was probably far too early, but he wanted to be here when Oikawa got set up. Last year had been a tragedy of epic proportions when Iwaizumi had left his booth unattended to speak to Sawamura-san before the event started, and Oikawa had spray-painted “Astrophysics!” over his posterboard.

“Iwaizumi!” a far too energetic voice rang out. Iwaizumi turned to see Bokuto, one of the art professors bounding toward him, bubbly and loud as always. “Bokuto-san, please be a little quieter,” a far calmer voice requested. Iwaizumi felt a relaxed smile melt across his face.

“Bokuto, Akaashi, how nice to see you both! You’re a great deal earlier than last year.”

“Sugawara-san requested all of the Hall C professors to report to the Hall at 6. It seems he has something to talk to us about.”

Iwaizumi frowned. Sugawara was one of the only professors who didn’t take part in Day 3 festivities, since he ran the TA program in Educational studies and had to organize the enlisted TAs. 

“I thought he’d take the day off. He could use it, he’s been grading the student’s exams furiously for the past three days to make sure they’re eligible to apply for teaching assistant positions.” 

“Right?!” Bokuto exclaimed, still far too loud in the mostly empty hall.

“Bokuto-san, please. And Iwaizumi-san, has Sawamura-san not mentioned anything to you about it?” Akaashi asked. 

In a series of events that came as no surprise to anyone, Iwaizumi and Sawamura Daichi got along very well. Not only did they work in the same department, but both had a methodical nature when it came to teaching. Moreover, Sawamura had worked at a coffee shop in between years of grad school, and his knowledge of coffee brewing was what had brought them together in the first place.

(When Oikawa had found out, he had taken to calling them “caffeine dorks” whenever they hung out.) 

“Sawamura only mentioned that when Sugawara-san is sleep-deprived he behaves unlike himself, and that I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess that makes more sense given the fact that he’s coming in to talk to us.”

Bokuto and Akaashi nodded, and Akaashi proceeded to drag Bokuto away in order to set up their own booths. Iwaizumi took a seat, took a long sip of coffee, and proceeded to wait.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi had drifted in and out of an early-morning haze for 15 minutes, the caffeine completely unhelpful in keeping him alert. However, the second Oikawa pulled open the door, his trademark smile in place, adrenaline began to course through his veins.

By this point, almost every professor in Hall C had arrived. There was Akaashi representing the Classic Lit department, Bokuto and Asahi-san representing the art department (though the two could not be more different), and his former TA Kyoutani also representing the history department. Sawamura had not arrived yet, but Iwaizumi had already been sure that he would arrive with Sugawara-san. 

For the STEM side, Kuroo had arrived first (the organic chemistry professor), dragging along Kenma-san, who was representing computer science. Yaku-san had also arrived, starting his age-old argument with Kuroo of Bio vs. O-chem. Yahaba, Oikawa’s former TA, who had veered out of astrophysics and mostly into theoretical chemistry and quantum mechanics (though Oikawa would never believe that he had failed at making Yahaba love astrophysics), was arguing fiercely with Kyoutani. And of course, those two slackers Makki and Mattsun were standing around, Makki here for math and Mattsun here for physics.

“Hey, Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi yelled out.

“Yes, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa responded, having the audacity to appear completely innocent.

“What are the rules?” Iwaizumi demanded.

“You want me to do this right now? At least let me put my stuff down!” Oikawa protested.

“The _rules,_ Crappykawa.” Iwaizumi maintained steadfastly.

Oikawa sighed, and began. “No pyrotechnics. No putting ourselves or any of our friends in danger. No irreversible slander or defamation of character. Keep the arguments subject and department specific. Try not to hurt the students’ interests. No making out to distract the other from winning. Nothing manipulatively romantic. Loser buys dinner for every professor in Hall C, and Sugawara-san.” 

The last condition earned whoops and cheers from across the hall, even though they all knew about it. Iwaizumi and Oikawa had been doing this for 4 years now, much to the delight of their friends. The teachers in each hall were constant, which was just plain lucky since both Oikawa and Iwaizumi would much rather buy dinner for their friends than some random older professors. 

The whoops and cheers died down quickly as soon as the door opened again and Sugawara-san walked in, followed by Sawamura-san. Iwaizumi and Oikawa stood in the center of the room, and every professor around them backed away swiftly. 

“Okay, listen you two,” Sugawara began, already dripping with fury.

“You can do what you need to to spice up your marriage, but you’re ruining _my_ marriage and also my life. I had 83% of my graduating TA class sign up to come to Hall C! Half of them want to TA for one or both of you, not because they care about teaching your subjects specifically, but because a certain hashtag was trending on the campus Twitter 3 weeks ago and now you’re both hot shit.” Sugawara took a deep, shuddering breath. “I need the TA program to go smoothly. Which means no monopolizing attention. The past three years have been mostly fine but this year the entire student body is oddly fixated on both of you, and you absolutely cannot fuck this up for me!” 

Iwaizumi and Oikawa stood ramrod straight, incredibly confused. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were laughing uncontrollably in the background, practically rolling on the floor. 

Akaashi, luckily, came to the rescue. He pulled over a chair, and gestured for Sugawara to sit down. “Listen, Suga-san. The rules from last year are being maintained. There are about 7 responsible professors in Hall C, counting Yahaba and Kyotani, who will absolutely make both the undecided major choices and the TA program run smoothly. Your marriage,” Akaashi paused, looking at Sawamura (who was trying very hard not to laugh), “is absolutely fine. Go take the day, Suga. You deserve it.” 

Sawamura herded Suga out the door, and the moment the door closed behind him, Iwaizumi and Oikawa were glaring pointedly at each other again. 

“Backing down?” Oikawa smirked.

“The hell I am.” Iwaizumi snarled.

“Business as usual until 4 PM.” Oikawa countered.

“Last half hour of the convention is a free-for-all.” Iwaizumi added.

“No holds barred?” Oikawa said, surprised.

“No rules involved.” Iwaizumi confirmed.

The two turned to walk back to their respective ends of the hall.

“Let the games begin,” Hanamaki announced, deadpan. 

Sawamura groaned. “You assholes really have no regard for my marriage do you?!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi was on edge all day. He and Oikawa kept eyeing each other across the hall, expecting the other to violate the terms of their agreement. But, it was now 3:55, and neither of them had done anything other than glare pointedly at each other. 

(Apparently, the campus Twitter had flooded with evidence of their “aggressive chemistry”.)

Akaashi and Asahi-san had appointed themselves guardians of the peace, ensuring that every TA and undecided major got an equal opportunity to choose their paths based on interest rather than shock factor. They had both done a really good job so far; Suga-san would be proud.

At 3:57, Hanamaki and Matsukawa ran inside Hall C clutching two massive bags. 

“~We got it!~” Hanamaki singsonged. The two went around the room distributing popcorn to every professor in the Hall.

“3:59!” Bokuto announced, enthusiastic as always. 

“Hey, last-shifters!” Matsukawa yelled over the noise. “Hope you’ve made your choices already, because things are about to get really unproductive, really fast.”

“4:00!” Bokuto yelled, and suddenly everything became dead silent. 

Iwaizumi and Oikawa were glaring at each other, daring each other to make the first move. 

Iwaizumi broke the spell, vaulting over his table and yelling “Poli-sci kicks the ass of astrophysics!” 

“Astrophysics is an actually useful degree!”

“Poli-sci majors are the leaders of tomorrow!”

“Oh please, poli-sci majors end up being youtubers or yoga bloggers. And poli-sci _professors_ end up dying their hair!” Oikawa said pointedly.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. “Out of the two of us, you know you’re the one who dyes your hair!”

“Astrophysics majors can work for the major science agencies of every country in the world. You could work at NASA. And astrophysics _professors_ have a wonderful work-life balance and are ridiculously attractive.”

“Are you talking about Yahaba-kun? Because he quit astrophysics.”

“Okay, Yahaba is like five years younger than us, Iwa-chan. Stop being a creep.”

Yahaba rolled his eyes from his perch on a table, continuing to munch on popcorn while watching the spectacle unfold.

“You’re not denying that even your TA didn’t want to study astrophysics. Why should they?”

“It’s true, Yahaba-san did not continue with astrophysics, but that was no fault of mine. Yahaba thought Tetsu-chan was attractive, which led to his switch to chemistry.”

At the same time, Yahaba yelled out an offended, “That is incredibly incorrect!” as Kuroo drawled out “I teach Organic Chemistry, not Thermodynamics _or_ Quantum Mechanics.”

Makki and Mattsun had apparently gotten bored, as they both began to throw individual kernels of popcorn at Oikawa and Iwaizumi. 

“Take more personal pot-shots at each other!” Makki yelled, while Mattsun kept up a steady beat of “Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!” in the background.

“Rapid Fire round?” Iwaizumi challenged.

“Can’t think of anything better for the last ten minutes.” Oikawa countered with a dangerous smile.

Akaashi stepped up to the plate, as he always did. “Ready…” he began. 

“Go!”

“Oikawa chews on his pen when he grades, which is unsanitary.”

“Iwa hums Broadway show tunes when he’s nervous.”

“When we were young, Oikawa used to cry when I went on vacation.”

“When we were little, Iwaizumi used to chase after beetles with a fishing net.”

“I told you, it was an insect-catching net!”

“Then why did it never work?”

“Ugh!”

“Ha!”

“Oikawa sneezes when someone insults him behind his back!”

“What? Is that even something relevant to this round?”

“I don’t know!”

Both of them were practically grinning at this point, and fought hard to rearrange their faces into brutal, stoic expressions.

“Iwa is a brute who used to throw volleyballs at me, Makki, and Mattsun!”

“Oikawa was an annoying-ass baby who used to force me to throw volleyballs at him!”

“Iwa-chan can’t handle spice!”

“Says the guy whose favorite food is _milk bread_.”

“Asshole.”

“Dumbass.”

“Iwa-chan is a virgin!”

“Yea, no. Oikawa cries when he watches sad dog commercials.”

“Iwa cried when he watched Finding Dory!”

“Seriously?” Matsukawa interjected.

“Shut up, Mattsun. Oikawa’s never dated a girl.”

“Iwa-chan is gay.”

“Violation!” Akaashi called. Everyone ignored him.

“Oikawa is gay!” Iwaizumi countered.

“Double violation!” Akaashi called out.

“Also, everyone knew that.” Kuroo said lazily.

“...and, time!” Akaashi announced.

You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed.

One student raised her hand meekly.

“Yes?” Asahi-san asked uncertainly.

“Uh...usually you guys stick to insults about each other’s department right?” she said.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi nodded, confused. It was ordinarily part of the rules, though that was waived this time around. 

“I’m just making sure that this is new information. How long have you two known each other?”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked at each other.

“Too long.” they answered in unison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night #iwaoi, #childhoodbestfriends, and #otp were trending on the campus Twitter.

Iwaizumi and Oikawa were still pretty fucking clueless.

As they sat around Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s dining table, ridiculous amounts of catering spread out (Oikawa was forced to buy since more TAs and undecideds signed up for liberal arts), Sugawara-san finally asked the all-important question: “Do your students know you guys are married?”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked at each other and then back at Suga.

“Uh, yes?” Oikawa responded.

“They definitely know. We’ve never hidden it or anything.” Iwaizumi continued.

“In fact, we’re like affectionate in broad daylight! Just like today.” Oikawa said.

Kuroo snorted.

“They know, you guys.” Oikawa and Iwaizumi finished.

Now the other twelve professors did not have any powers within the realm of mind-reading. But they made eye contact around the table, simultaneously agreeing:

“The students absolutely do not know, and these two fuckers are definitely stupid.”

Then they collectively made up their mind to sit back and enjoy.


	3. volleyball and vague sexual tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto suggests that they play volleyball (for the children, of course). 
> 
> So they do.
> 
> But if Oikawa was going to look at him like that for much longer, Iwaizumi was going to spontaneously combust out of his volleyball shorts. 
> 
> Then again, was that necessarily a bad thing...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I wasn't supposed to post this until tomorrow but I have no self-restraint so I guess y'all are welcome. In other news, I have finished chapter 5, so there's that too.
> 
> So this is volleyball, and yes, some parts of it are maybe unrealistic. Yes, I might have cheated out of really writing volleyball because I'm bad at it. Yes, I might have written a much longer volleyball scene before realizing half the plays I described were illegal based on the rules in Haikyuu (aka, the only rules I know) and had to cut basically the whole scene. 
> 
> Also, because there were too many setters, I just subbed two (or I guess three) out so they could organize. I love all of them so, so, much but in order for the scene to work Oikawa had to play and I just basically flipped a coin for the other one. These are not my personal views as to how much I like the characters or how good I think they are. 
> 
> Also, yes I think Oikawa is most attractive when he's ready to destroy someone. And Iwaizumi absolutely also thinks so. It's like, basically canon.
> 
> Thanks to my heavenly betas (who still hate how often I forget punctuation rules), @queentheband and Raven.

Everything was going fine. Until someone suggested the idea of a faculty volleyball tournament. 

All 14 of them (including Kyoutani and Yahaba) were in one of the faculty lounges after hours, demolishing a take-out order and trying to get as much grading and reading done as possible.

“We’ve all played in high school! Come on, liberal arts vs. STEM profs.” Bokuto begged.

“What’s this for, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked, not looking up from his book as he sat curled up on the couch.

“You guys do know this is the science department faculty lounge right?” Yaku yelled from a corner.

“It’s nicer than the lit and history department’s.” Akaashi admitted. Kenma nodded in agreement from another corner.

“It’s an incentive for students to increase their attendance. We only even have to play if attendance increases by a significant amount.” Bokuto argued.

“It will though,” Suga said, in the middle of proofing one of Daichi’s department memos. 

“Refreshing-kun’s right,” Oikawa asserted, not looking up from the journal he was reading. “We’re the younger professors and pretty attractive. No one’s gonna give up the chance to see Iwa-chan in his volleyball shorts.” 

Kuroo gagged and made a ‘shoot me’ gesture from his desk.

“That’s exactly why we should do it, you guys. Not, because of my shorts or whatever. It’ll increase attendance.” Iwaizumi argued, gesturing with the hand not holding his cup of coffee. He wasn’t always on board with random suggestions to do more work for the college, but he also really missed playing volleyball. And with this group of people, he knew it would be a good match.

Makki, as democratic as always, proposed a vote. Nine agreed, and five disagreed. 

“Okay, two things,” Yahaba said as he lowered himself off the desk he was sitting on. “One, I’d prefer to organize and/or not be involved in this at all. You can replace me with one the phys. ed. TAs from my year who’s good at receives. Two, even without me, there are four setters in this room.” 

“We can rotate in…?” Oikawa suggested uncertainly.

“Kuroo.” Kenma said, in as soft a voice as he always maintained. He and Kuroo had what seemed to be a silent conversation for several seconds, before Kuroo announced, “Kenma isn’t really interested. He’ll watch.”

“I’ll watch with you, Kenma-san.” Suga spoke up then. Daichi looked uncertain, but Sugawara smiled reassuringly at him. “I really want to watch our lib arts team destroy the science geeks.”

This was oddly organized for them. Iwaizumi couldn’t believe it had worked out this smoothly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi couldn’t believe he was naive enough to think this would work out smoothly. 

Of course, the student body absolutely destroyed the minimum attendance quota required for the volleyball match to happen, and so there he was, standing in the gymnasium in his old volleyball shorts. 

The organization of the event wasn’t bad; Yahaba, Kenma, and Sugawara had taken over and the event was so far running incredibly efficiently.

No, the problem was how Oikawa was looking at him across the locker room. Jesus, was he going to jump him during the game in front of most of the student body? I mean they were married, but there were kids out there!

He looked down to fix his knee pads, feeling his cheeks flooding with heat. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Note to self: maybe don’t think about Oikawa jumping you right this very second.

Iwaizumi found out that his assumption were _incredibly_ incorrect when Oikawa ended up approaching him.

“I know you have three high school aces on your team, Iwa-chan. But make no mistake, I will _destroy_ you. Have fun.” 

Oikawa leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, then turned around and walked away, just as self-assured as he always was. Iwaizumi shuddered, as he turned firetruck-red. That wasn’t Oikawa’s ‘I’m attracted to you’ stare. That was his ‘I’m going to rip you apart’ stare. 

Note to self: that should not make Oikawa hotter to you. So stop thinking about him _more_ now!

“You guys have been married for like three years! How the fuck are you still so goddamn whipped, Iwaizumi?” Kuroo asked loudly.

Iwaizumi said nothing, opting to smack him upside the head. The rest of the professors burst into laughter around them. Oikawa winked at him. Iwaizumi was so fucked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were midway through the second set when it happened. The lib-arts team had taken the first set (though the STEM team didn’t go down without a fight), and they were currently leading. 

Oikawa was up to serve. 

Iwaizumi wasn’t nervous the first couple times it happened, he was never in the back row. But this time he was. He figured Oikawa wouldn’t do anything stupid though. Asahi-san was right next to him, and he was technically a worse receiver than Iwaizumi. He figured Oikawa would try to exploit that weakness.

He figured wrong.

Oikawa bounced the ball a couple times, then looked up. His focus had always been impressive, but right now the focus in his eyes was coupled with an evil smirk. He raised his arm and pointed directly at Iwaizumi. Naturally.

He tossed the ball up, jumped, and let loose his terrifying serve. Iwaizumi remembered all the times he’d returned this exact serve in high school.

The ball slammed into the court a foot in front of him with a resounding sound before he could react.

Everyone froze for a couple seconds. That was a _monster_ of a serve, power and trajectory ridiculously precise.

“How the fuck can you _still do_ that?” Iwaizumi yelled in the relative quiet, practically involuntarily.

“Mmm, I’m just that good. Now pay attention, _Iwaizumi_. I’m going again.” Oikawa commented.

Oh, so _that’s_ how it was going to be. 

Iwaizumi was already incensed, but as Oikawa turned around to go back to the serve line, he blew a kiss at Iwaizumi, just to piss him off a little bit more.

The crowd _exploded._

Both Oikawa and Iwaizumi were, frankly, startled. Oikawa dropped the ball back onto the court from the sudden onslaught of noise. Everyone on the court burst out laughing, with the exception of Tanaka. Even Akaashi had a smile playing on his lips. 

“What the hell is going on?” Iwaizumi demanded angrily. 

“I guess the students just really like Oikawa’s serve.” Daichi responded diplomatically.

The answer didn’t completely satisfy Iwaizumi, but Oikawa had gotten in position to serve again, so he dropped the subject.

(Iwaizumi missed Oikawa’s serve two more times before he managed to return it.)

(The lib-arts professors still won in straight sets.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night, the video of Oikawa blowing Iwa a kiss went viral on the campus Twitter. 

More importantly, that night, Iwaizumi had Oikawa up against a wall before they could even close the door to their apartment. 


	4. trouble in paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa was intense. It was half the reason Iwaizumi married him. He loved Oikawa's intense side.
> 
> That didn't mean he doesn't worry sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the eating lunch together thing was obviously something I wanted to do from the start, but I also wanted the student body to see them being caring to one another (even though it's rare for them to do it in public). What this chapter ended up as is a little less whimsical than the other ones. Still loads of fluff, but a little different. I hope y'all like it anyways. 
> 
> I'm working on the last chapter, and don't worry. We get a load of hilarity from that one.

Iwaizumi was no stranger to taking care of Oikawa.

Years, practically decades before they’d even considered being together, Iwaizumi and Oikawa had become best friends, and Iwaizumi had resigned himself to taking care of that fucker until the end times.

Oikawa’s mother had once commented that she was “out of a job” when, at dinner once, seven-year-old Tooru had eaten too quickly and choked his rice. Iwaizumi, though similarly young, had quickly reached for a glass of water, and then smacked him upside the head for being “so stupid, Crappykawa!” 

Now, Iwaizumi almost wished he’d let Oikawa choke then because this was getting fucking _ridiculous._

Iwaizumi was holding two large stacks of paper as he precariously made his way into the science faculty lounge. As usual, everyone was in there (it usually took him the longest to get there since he had a class at the other end of the campus during the last part of the day). 

Yahaba was already yelling at Kyoutani for whatever reason, Makki and Mattsun were throwing snacks into each other’s mouths, Akaashi and Kenma were doing whatever it was they did silently. Daichi and Suga were being all cute and domestic, and Iwaizumi was suppressing the urge to throw a pen at them. Bokuto-san and Asahi-san were not there, he noted vaguely, though the two were rather busy with the Art Show coming up. Yaku was, for some reason, fast asleep on a chair while Kuroo pelted him with tiny balled up pieces of paper. 

These were the people he had chosen to make his friends. Iwaizumi felt an exasperated sigh build up inside him, except for one notable observation. 

Where the _fuck_ was Oikawa?

His confusion and frustration must have shown clearly on his face, because Suga-san spoke up quickly. “No sign of him again today, I’m afraid.”

“What the hell is going on with him?” Iwaizumi directed the question at Kuroo, but Yahaba was the one who answered.

“He came in this morning to talk to me about adding a course to my load. Oikawa-san is trying to create a new course path for Astrophysics with an emphasis on background chemistry.”

Suga looked confused. “Why does that mean he isn’t here?”

Iwaizumi sighed, and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Creating a new course pathway is incredibly difficult. Daichi and I tried for one last year; if you aren’t prepared with enough information on theoretical costs, demand, and professors who’d be willing to teach the extra courses, the administration will absolutely shut you down. Not to mention, the head of science admin and Oikawa don’t exactly get along.”

Everyone was quiet for a couple seconds, the only sounds coming from Yaku’s snoring.

“And you all know Oikawa; he isn’t going to rest until he gets it perfect. I’m pretty sure he got back home at 1 AM yesterday, and left the house before I even got up.”

Everyone eyed Iwaizumi with concern; the man looked like he’d aged ten years over the course of the conversation.

“Iwaizumi.” Hanamaki said sharply. Hanamaki wasn’t really known for being serious; but when he was, everyone listened. Even Kenma looked up from his PSP. 

“This isn’t like the serving practices at 1 AM. This isn’t like high school.”

Iwaizumi let out a ragged sigh, before nodding his understanding. Makki looked satisfied, and returned to throwing blueberries (this time at Kuroo). Everyone was quiet for a couple minutes, but eventually, everything returned to normal.

But Oikawa never did come into the faculty room. And Iwaziumi never stopped looking up at the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi didn’t hear Oikawa come home that night, nor did he see Oikawa in the morning. He was seriously starting to consider the possibility that Oikawa had spent the night on campus.

He tried not to let it bother him and not to worry (failing miserably on both counts), and managed to get through his morning classes just fine. He returned to the history faculty room to grab his lunch, stopping to talk to Suga and Daichi (who was obsessing over a particularly terrible assignment).

“Seriously, Iwaizumi, I gave them a week and a half to write this and most of these essays look like they were written by a second grader in about five minutes!”

Iwaizumi leveled Daichi with a deadpan stare. “Yes, these essays about institutional gridlock affecting political rhetoric were **clearly** completed by eight year olds.”

Daichi glared at him, huffing out a sigh before drawing a large red ‘X’ through an entire section of a student’s paper and flipping the page. Suga and Iwaizumi made eye contact over Daichi’s head and stifled their chuckles. “So, Iwaizumi,” Suga began, “Gonna go find Oikawa?” 

“That was the plan,” Iwaizumi said, grabbing his lunch bag. 

He dropped into the science faculty lounge to find Makki and Mattsun eating, apparently not having seen Oikawa all morning. When he eventually did find Oikawa, he was in his office, scrawling about a hundred words down on a sheet of paper per minute. 

“Oi, Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi called to get his attention.

Oikawa looked _awful_. He looked normal enough to anyone else, but Iwaizumi could see the tightness in his smile, the concealer under his eyes covering what must be heavy purple bags. 

“Hi, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa greeted too-cheerfully.

“Drop the theatrics, Tooru; we’re not in public. I’ve known you since before either of us could speak, you really thought that shit was going to work on me?”

Oikawa squawked, deep offense painted across his face. “I was the lead in two school plays!”

“Yeah, in _middle school_. And regardless of if you’re a good actor, it wouldn’t work on me.”

Oikawa looked away from Iwaizumi, his voice tightening.

“Look, Iwa, if you’re just here to distract me, I’m going to need you to leave.”

Iwaizumi gaped at him. “What is going _on_ with you, Tooru? Wait, hold on a second.”

“You’re being impatient and withdrawn, you’re asking me to leave-”

Iwaizumi glared harshly at Oikawa. “-when was the last time you ate something, Oikawa?”

Oikawa wouldn’t meet his eyes, and Iwaizumi knew he was right. “You’re _so stupid_ , Shittykawa!”

Iwaizumi grabbed Oikawa’s arm and lightly yanked him out of his chair; Oikawa followed half-heartedly, not putting up a fight. Just the lack of protest worried Iwaizumi as he dragged Oikawa to the cafeteria. 

The cafeteria was teeming with students, though Iwaizumi dragging Oikawa by the arm was able to part them as swiftly as Moses parting the Red Sea. Iwaizumi dropped Oikawa into a chair at a table as far away from the other students as possible. “Stay put, Shittykawa!” he growled before he disappeared into one of the lines to grab food.

When he returned to the table, he was grateful to see that Oikawa had regained some of his lost fervor. “Iwa-chan, you didn’t have to buy me lunch!”

“Like you have your own. I usually make your lunch, and I know for sure I didn’t pack you a lunch for the past two days. You probably didn’t eat breakfast either.”

“I had an apple…” Oikawa sulked. Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes at Oikawa.

“Fine, I took two bites of the apple and then forgot about it and accidentally threw it away with a pile of papers.”

“Eat.” Iwaizumi said, not dignifying that trainwreck with a proper response.

Oikawa shoveled food into his mouth (as he always did, Shittykawa always ate like a neanderthal) and Iwaizumi sat back and ate his bento. When Oikawa was finished with his food (and started stealing bites of Iwaizumi’s lunch too), Iwaizumi pulled a packet of milk bread out of his bag and threw it at Oikawa. When Oikawa looked back at him, his eyes were wide with adoration.

“Stop looking at me like I hung the moon, Shittykawa. We literally always have at least a couple of packets of milk bread at home. Figured you’d want some, it is your favorite.”

Then Oikawa was smiling at him, his real smile. Iwaizumi couldn’t resist the smile playing on his lips either. 

If the two of them were just slightly less fucking oblivious to the world, they would have noticed the students recording them from their lunch tables, and the girls cooing over “how much they cared about each other”. 

But Tooru was smiling and eating, and in the end that’s all that mattered to Iwaizumi.


	5. sometimes, sappiness is required

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was their anniversary, and Iwaizumi was struck with that particular affliction that turned him into a blushy, cheesy, sap.
> 
> But it was okay, because Oikawa loved him for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm one day late on my self-imposed deadline and I'm so, so sorry. On an unrelated note, this chapter was only somewhat beta-d, so let me know if there's anything so egregiously incorrect that it destroys your reading flow and/or pleasure. 
> 
> This is really self-indulgent fluff. Like quite more self-indulgent than a lot of what I've written, which is already self-indulgent.
> 
> Also, I finished the draft of the last chapter! Y'all probably won't get it for a while because gosh it's kind of a pile of flaming garbage. Not to worry, my betas and I are working on it.
> 
> Uh, I hope you guys like this, and also eventually that.

Iwaizumi did not particularly enjoy being awake at the asscrack of dawn. This, of course, begs the question: why was he?

Because of fucking Oikawa, that’s why.

“Good morning, Iwa-chan!” the asshole chirped, far too awake. 

“Fuck you, Tooru.” Iwaizumi grumbled, dragging himself to the kitchen counter.

“You’re being particularly rude to the man you’re married to, Iwa-chan.” 

“Whatever.”

“It’s our anniversary.”

“Too early for that.”

“I made you coffee.”

Iwaizumi paused in his fumbling and ultimately useless efforts to make coffee, turning to Tooru.

“Oh, so that gets your attention!” Tooru complained, sliding his travel mug across the granite to Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi took a long sip of his coffee. _Perfect. How the hell does he do that?_

“Did I offend you, Tooru?” Iwaizumi questioned, a sly grin taking over his face as he emerged from his previous sleepy stupor. He moved towards Tooru.

“Is there any way I can make it up to you?” The last part of his question was muffled against Oikawa’s neck, as he pressed soft kisses against his porcelain skin.

“Iwa…” Oikawa groaned. Iwaizumi ran his hands up Oikawa’s sides, where he knew he was sensitive.

“Come on, Iwa-chan. We have things to do today!” Oikawa chastised, finally pushing Iwaizumi away (by barely an inch). 

“I can’t believe you signed us up to supervise students on our anniversary!” Iwaizumi complained. 

“I’m the faculty sponsor for the astronomy club, and for normal field trips they don’t need any chaperones but this is a bit farther.” Oikawa explained.

“Plus,” Oikawa added, “we can spend the entire day apart on campus, or the whole day together.” 

“Yeah, my dream anniversary plans: you, me, and 30 college students.”

“Oh come on, Iwa-chan. You know me. There’s always something a little extra. I mean come on, you’re lucky enough to have married an Oikawa!”

Iwaizumi blindly groped for the nearest non-lethal item (a dishtowel) and whipped at Oikawa, who shrieked.

“I should have married your sister!”

“You’re gay, you absolute psycho!”

Iwaizumi proceeded to chase Tooru around their house, as Tooru alternatingly shrieked obscenities and sarcastic love confessions.

Needless to say, they were late to the field trip rendezvous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi had no idea where they were going.

Tooru was being oddly tight-lipped about it, and it’s not like he could ask the other students because, well, they were _college students_. Half of them were asleep and the other half couldn’t tell you what the date was with a gun to their heads. 

This _was_ the astronomy club; it couldn’t possibly be anything too important or exciting. He poked Oikawa again.

“Oikawa, where are we going? As a faculty chaperone, I should know.”

“Oh hush, Iwa-chan. It’s nothing dangerous. It’s just a surprise.”

Iwaizumi wanted to be angry but looking at Oikawa, he couldn’t. This was the most carefree Iwaizumi had seen him in weeks. He’d begun to take better care of himself, but until he’d gotten his course pathway affirmation two days ago, the tightness in his face and body persisted. Now, he was a puppet without strings; free to be himself again.

Oikawa noticed Iwaizumi staring at him, and wrinkled his nose.

“Stop staring at me, Iwa-chan. It makes me feel like I have something on my face.” 

Oikawa then handed his coffee mug to him, and Iwaizumi took a long sip before settling into his seat better. Maybe it was okay that he didn’t know where he was going. Oikawa had never led him astray when it mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi felt himself being jostled awake much later (he guessed the coffee didn't really do its job). The bus had stopped; it seemed everyone had dismounted except for Oikawa, who was standing over him.

“Iwa-chan. We’re here.” 

“Where’s _here_ , Crappykawa.”

“Aw, you’re so cranky after a nap.”

“Fuck you.”

“And, you really don’t remember?” This time, Oikawa sounded closer to being hurt.

Iwaizumi rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and looked out the window. The view that greeted him made a soft smile overtake his visage on impulse.

“Wait, this is _The_ Planetarium. This is where I took you on our first date after you told me you’d been in love with me since we were ten.”

“Yeah. This is where we held hands for the first time as a couple, and then you told me you loved me.” Oikawa was biting his lip wistfully.

“You mean that I _love_ you,” Iwaizumi corrected, taking Oikawa’s hand. “Always have, always will.”

Oikawa beamed at him, before yanking at their enjoined hands to pull him off the bus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m pretty sure every single one of them is asleep.” Iwaizumi whispered harshly to Oikawa. In return, Oikawa just shushed him. The two of them were lying back, enjoying the last show at the planetarium before they had to leave. 

Iwaizumi would always be fascinated by how wide Oikawa’s eyes would get staring at these stupid simulations. “Stop watching me, Iwa! Pay attention to the galaxy classifications! Aren’t they all so beautiful?” Tooru would complain, but Iwaizumi ignored him. If anything was beautiful in this room, it was Oikawa.

Sappy, affectionate thoughts like these made him hate anniversaries so much.

(Or so he said.)

“I can’t believe the university is paying money for these kids to sleep in a fancier room.” Iwaizumi continued to complain.

“Oh hush, Iwa. They paid attention during all of the important exhibits during the day. Leave them be. You know, you were just as nitpicky the first time we came here.”

“The first time we came here I was 99% sure this was some kind of prank, and that you were going to reject me if I said or did anything wrong.”

“So in true nervous fashion, you said and did everything wrong.”

“Basically, yeah.” Iwaizumi was blushing and he turned away because _this entire day was like an affectionate sickness, dear Christ._

“But I was basically the same way. Especially since you didn’t actually tell me you even liked me until the end of our first date, when I had told you three days before that!” 

“Hey, Shittykawa?”

“What?” Oikawa turned to look at him, exasperated.

“I like you.” 

Oikawa rolled his eyes before loudly whispering, “For the record, you said ‘I love you’.”

Iwaizumi blushed again, before cuffing Oikawa in the back of the head. _This entire day made him such a sap._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having caught an hour’s worth of a power nap, the students were actually decently refreshed on the bus ride home. Many listened to music, talked to their friends, others vlogging because of their delusions of Youtube grandeur. 

Both professors, however, were out like a light.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi had fallen into a deep slumber before the bus had even pulled out of the planetarium parking lot. At one point, Oikawa’s head fell onto Iwaizumi’s shoulder, and he nuzzled into Iwa’s shirt. They’d been taking naps like this since middle school.

Not that their students knew any of that.

The students around Oikawa and Iwaizumi whispered and cooed about how “adorable” their professors were. Pictures and videos were taken (which was far worse for Oikawa, who was currently drooling into Iwaizumi’s shirt).

Over the course of the next week, most of the students on campus had agreed that their professors wouldn’t get their act together on their own. They needed to help the process along, so both of them could find true love.

Little did they know, the perfect opportunity would fall right into their laps.

Or rather, 12 clever (and thoroughly entertained) professors, would drop the perfect opportunity right into their laps.

(And yes, Makki and Mattsun had gotten their hands on (and framed) a picture of Oikawa drooling on Iwaizumi’s shirt, which they were keeping safe for a special occasion.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY BUT I REALLY NEED TO SCREAM A LITTLE cos you see the only anime that I've watched up till now is Haikyuu and ohshc and my friend just recommended Yuri on Ice to me and I love it so much it hurts a little bit. (It actually hurts a lot and I've built up so close to squealing which is very unlike me.)
> 
> I'm almost done, I'm on like episode 10 or something which is super embarrassing cos I started it like 2 days ago tops. 
> 
> But I need more recommendations y'all. And also please freak out with me over Yuri on Ice even though I'm like 5 years late.


	6. 'fun'raising (kill me now)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makki and Mattsun have a plan. Iwaizumi and Oikawa are blind. Daichi is just incredibly nervous.
> 
> Akaashi thinks that he can make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be slightly late, I'm so very sorry. 
> 
> I'm not gonna lie, this chapter actually became exceedingly fun to write, after I decided to just make it as funny and entertaining as possible without worrying about anything else.
> 
> Thanks to my wonderful betas who approved my idea and helped me make it entertaining. Caution: the ending is kind of ehhh cos I don't know how to end fics but i'll learn.
> 
> This fic was literally so much fun, I'm kind of sad it's over. This universe, however, is not.

“So, remind me again where Oikawa and Iwaizumi are?”

“Jesus, Yaku. You fall asleep way too much while we’re having these meetings,” Akaashi responded, holding a piece of tofu delicately between his chopsticks.

“It’s their anniversary, remember? They went home early to have a nice intimate dinner.” Suga explained.

“Yeah, ‘nice intimate dinner’ is code for-” Kuroo cut off as Daichi smacked him the back of the head. 

All 12 professors burst into laughter, except for Kyoutani, who frowned a little less. (Even Kenma snorted.)

“Okay, okay. Settle down.” Daichi said, clapping lightly.

Everyone froze for a couple seconds, before Makki, Mattsun, Kuroo, Bokuto, and Suga burst out laughing harder. “Okay, captain!” they mocked in unison.

Daichi rolled his eyes, unable to keep a grin off his face. 

“Okay, without Iwaizumi in the room, the coalition for reason is incredibly weak. Might I remind you that we’re here for a reason?” Akaashi commented.

“Fundraising!” Suga exclaimed, bolting straight up.

“All of you pay attention, because Akaashi’s in charge of this particular fundraising endeavour–and I’ll be helping, of course.” 

Akaashi nodded in acknowledgement before turning the page of yet another book.

“All of you need to sign up for different positions and challenges.”

Everyone was silent for a couple seconds, before Bokuto spoke up:

“What.”

Suga sighed. “Like, for example, if the students raise a 1,000 yen, Makki will shave Mattsun’s head.”

Mattsun stood up and backed away from Makki’s evil grin as quickly as possible. 

“Can I pay 2,000 yen to keep my hair?”

“It was just an example, but good point: professors cannot pay money to escape proposed incentives.”

“And we all have to do this?” Kyoutani asked.

“Uh, yes. But, you can pick your own incentives, as long as they’re entertaining.”

Akaashi spoke up. “Emphasis on the entertaining.”

Slowly, they each came forward. Asahi agreed to let Bokuto dye his hair, Yahaba and Kyoutani (grudgingly) agreed to teach classes together for a week. Kenma agreed to set up a video-game event in the library (though that was better for him than anyone else, so it was hardly a challenge). Kuroo and Yaku put in their ordinary science showcase where they disguise a shit-ton of pyrotechnics as “science” (it was indeed science, but the main motive was blowing stuff up and getting paid for it). 

Daichi, and this here was massive, was letting Suga put makeup on him at the fundraiser showcase. Suga was weirdly skilled at makeup despite never really having an interest in it, but Daichi in a full-glam look was something that the professors themselves would pay good money for. 

“Hanamaki-san, Matsukawa-san? You’re the only ones left who have to put one in.” Akaashi said much later.

Makki and Mattsun wore identical evil grins. 

“What if we told you we could get you the most money without having to do anything ourselves?” Makki said.

“I’d say you’re full of shit, Hanamaki-san.” 

“Prepare to have your minds blown.” Mattsun responded.

“The student body doesn’t know that Iwaizumi and Oikawa are married.” Makki said.

“We all know that.” Suga said, leaning forward in his chair.

“Yeah, but most of the student body also wants Iwaizumi and Oikawa to date.”

“Right.” Akaashi confirmed, while most of the other professors digested this new information.

“But, they’re married.” Asahi said.

“The entire student body wants them to date, so what if the stretch goal of one million yen has the incentive of letting the student body force Oikawa and Iwaizumi to do whatever the students want.”

“Within the limits of the law, of course.” Akaashi said, nodding along. 

“You’re really on board with this?!” Daichi exclaimed skeptically. “First of all, Iwaizumi will literally kill us. He will kill us dead. Not to mention the fact that we can’t willfully deceive the students of this institution-”

“Yeah, yeah, stuff it, moral compass.” Kuroo cut in. “This could be absolutely hilarious. Just picture their faces.”

Each of the professors was silent for a couple minutes.

“Think of it as a sweet anniversary present. The student body will probably ask them to go on a couple dates; we could even get the school to fund their dates.” Makki put in.

“That absolutely is not possible; we’re literally raising money for extracurriculars, we don’t have a disposable income.” Akaashi returned.

“Ah, fuck it. As long as we don’t tell them, they can’t kill us for at least a month.” Suga finally said.

“Seriously?” Asahi and Daichi chorused, while Kuroo, Makki, Mattsun and Bokuto cheered.

“Don’t you dare blow this for us, Sawamura-san.” Akaashi put in.

“Yea, don’t tell your bud everything, Dai.” Suga said, punching Daichi in the stomach.

“I hate all of you in perpetuity.” Daichi choked out in between heaving gasps.

“Hey, what does Yaku think of all of this?” Suga said, turning around.

“He’s fucking asleep again, the narcoleptic moron.” Akaashi said, but in such a deadpan voice that the professors couldn’t help but chuckle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been 3 days since the covert dealings of 12 professors under the cover of night, and Iwaizumi was just as fucking oblivious now as he was the day he emerged from the womb.

Which left Iwaizumi perplexed, to say the least.

He had barely wrapped up his second class of the day when he was rushed by one of his students. She was blushing furiously, and that should have tipped him off that something awful was about to happen.

“Look, Iwaizumi-san, I can’t say much. But trust me, I will devote lots of money to this endeavor. In the end, I hope you fall in love. And I hope that you falling in love might raise my grade a little ‘cause I’m very close to not passing this class.”

She then rushed out of the classroom, blushing furiously the entire time.

Iwaizumi sat stunned for a couple seconds. Then he knocked his cup of coffee off his desk as he tore out of the room to the history department faculty lounge.

Daichi, thankfully, was there; Kuroo, unfortunately, was too. Iwaizumi had absolutely no time to question whether or not this was something he should say in front of Kuroo before he practically spat out his dilemma: “I’m pretty sure a student offered me money to date her and then raise her grade. And also maybe fall in love with her.”

Daichi dropped his pen, while Kuroo choked on his water. “What?” they said in unison.

“My student, she said ‘I will devote lots of money to this endeavor. In the end, I hope you fall in love.’ and then she said something about being in love making me want to raise her grade.”

Kuroo burst out laughing raucously, as he backed away, letting Daichi take the reins.

Daichi was, frankly, screwed.

_Don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up, Koushi will probably never sleep with you again, and someone will set your car on fire._

“It’s the only reasonable explanation. She wants to have sex with you.”

“What?!” Iwaizumi yelled. Kuroo fell off the desk he was leaning on and was literally rolling on the floor.

“I mean, she probably wants to pay you to date her.”

“That’s not much better! What should I do?”

“Uh…” Daichi was running out of lies and the truth seemed to be teasing him, sitting just out of reach. Actually, it was actually Kuroo who was sitting just out of reach so Daichi couldn’t strangle him into silence.

“You have to do it.”

“Let me get this straight: You want me to date and/or sleep with my student.”

“Uh-huh.” Daichi said, barely listening, his face shoved into a student’s essay to keep Iwaizumi from seeing how red his face was.

“I’m married. You were at my wedding. I’m gay. You’re gay. Kuroo’s gay. And if that weren’t a problem, _she’s a student!_ ”

“Mazel tov. I have to go.” Daichi then stood up (his face still covered by the same essay), took a couple steps forward, tripped over a trash can, and fell on his face. 

“What the actual fuck is wrong with everyone?! I was gone for one measly day!” Iwaizumi stood up and stormed out of the office.

“You’re really handling this well.” Kuroo said, before leaving a spread-eagled Daichi in the empty room. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, a student offered me cash to date her today.” Iwaizumi began conversationally at dinner, waiting for the appearance of possessive and/or angry Oikawa.

What he wasn’t prepared for was the sound of Oikawa dropping his chopsticks on his plate.

“It happened to you too?!”

Iwaizumi groaned. “We were gone for one day! I told you it was a bad idea!” 

“Seriously though,” Oikawa cut in. “What the hell is going on?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another week and a half passed without incident. Oikawa and Iwaizumi had largely forgotten about previous encounters with students that left them feeling violated confused. In fact, they believed that everything had returned to normal.

At least, they had hoped.

When they walked into the faculty lounge that afternoon, it was _chaos_. Yahaba and Kyoutani stood directly in front of the door, arguing loudly about something regarding a syllabus, while Yaku had two fistfuls of Kuroo’s shirt in his hands as he yanked him down to eye-level, enunciating carefully, “We cannot use C4 in our science showcase!” Kenma was speaking on the phone (just the fact that he was speaking was already surprising), while Asahi cowered behind a sofa as Bokuto chanted “Lime green!” over and over again. Suga was swatching different shades of foundation and lipstick against Daichi’s skin tone, while Daichi looked like this was stretching his infinite patience.

Akaashi remained engrossed in a book, and Makki and Mattsun nodded at Iwaizumi and Oikawa from their perch on a desk, seemingly unperturbed by everything happening.

“What the fuck is going on!” Iwaizumi bellowed.

There was a loud crash behind Iwaizumi as Yahaba had apparently thrown a coffee mug at Kyoutani (who dodged it easily). Then, the entire room fell silent. 

“Kaashi-chan, I assume you can provide an adequate explanation for everything here?” Oikawa asked calmly, as Iwaizumi stared at Yahaba with shock-widened eyes.

“Iwaizumi-san, Oikawa-san. There was simply a bit of a sudden deadline for an event I’m organizing. I corralled these animals to help out, and clearly I overestimated how well they could handle this.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Oikawa asked warily.

“You will.” Makki responded quietly.

“There’s nothing you guys need to do except come to the event. It was moved up to about 3 days from now, as long as the weather stays nice. For moral support.”

“Oh, of course we will Kaashi-chan!” Oikawa cooed, very quickly appeased.

While Iwaizumi was busy lecturing Yahaba and Kyoutani about “collaboration and working effectively with one another”, and Oikawa became engrossed with another one of his academic journals, Suga sidled up to Akaashi as quietly as possible.

“So, why is the event getting pushed up?”

“The students already hit our fundraising goal.”

“What?!”

“Sometimes I shudder to think what Hanamaki-san and Matsukawa-san could accomplish if they applied their skills to something other than fucking with us all.”

“Yeah. So wait, is this because of Iwaizumi and Oikawa?”

“There’s no way to know. The students may just really want to fund the chess tournament.”

“But if this is all because of Oikawa and Iwaizumi…won’t the students get angry?”

Akaashi looked up, his eyes glinting slightly dangerously.

“We're just going to have to deal with it."

And so Akaashi went back to his book. Everything was calm, until Yaku yelled, “I already told you, NO C4!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, there’s clearly something suspicious going on.” Oikawa started conversationally after dinner that night. 

They were sitting in their living room, Oikawa still buried in some “interesting” astronomy journal with his reading glasses perched on the tip of his nose. He was lying horizontally on the couch, his head in Iwaizumi’s lap. Iwaizumi idly played with strands of hair on Oikawa’s forehead while scrolling through the news. 

“I honestly think we need to figure out what’s going on. It might be really bad.”

Oikawa hummed noncommittally, before suggesting instead:

“Or, we could have sex.”

Iwaizumi flushed deep red, and flicked Oikawa in the forehead.

“Ow, Iwa-chan. I get it, I get it. I just meant we should trust our friends and just go on with our lives.”

“Oh, shut up Tooru.” Iwaizumi growled as he stood up, dragging Oikawa with him. Oikawa giggled until Iwaizumi shut him up, both of them stumbling backward down the hallway to their bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This is really not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.” Iwaizumi groaned.

“Did you have plans, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa commented, sipping on coffee.

“I mean, I might have. With friends”

“Literally all of our friends are on that stage.”

“Shut up. And give me back my coffee, asshole.”

Before Oikawa could retort and yank his hand back, Akaashi came backstage to where they were sitting. 

“Thank you for coming, Oikawa-san, Iwaizumi-san.” 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Kaashi-chan!” Oikawa chirped.

For the first time since this entire convoluted plot, Akaashi looked less than certain.

“Look, something’s going to happen, and-”

“Are you talking about Tetsu-chan’s particular proclivity for pyrotechnics, ‘cause don’t worry, Mori-chan will take care of it!” Oikawa reassured.

“You seem particularly hyper today, Tooru.” Kenma commented, creeping up behind them softly (Iwaizumi would absolutely deny that he flinched but he did).

“Yeah, that’s going to go downhill in about 45 minutes.” Mattsun warned ominously. Iwaizumi cuffed him around the back of the head and drank his reclaimed coffee. Something bad was going to happen. Iwaizumi wished he had the forethought to not get out of bed this morning.

“Wait.” Iwaizumi said, as his brain finally booted up again.

“What’s this event even for?”

“Suga-san and I organized a fundraiser for extracurricular events, Iwaizumi-san. Many students donated large amounts of money to the cause.”

Something about that wording. Something about that was familiar. Iwaizumi's eyes snapped open and met Oikawa’s equally shocked gaze when they put (about half of) it together.

“The students-” Oikawa began, but was quickly cut off by Iwaizumi.

“What the hell did you guys do??” Iwaizumi implored, surprisingly alarmed by the entire situation.

“Nothing illegal.” Akaashi responded, far too composed. He then turned on his heel and walked confidently through the curtain, beginning to announce the incentives the students had earned.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi huffed and sat back in their chairs, wearing practically identical expressions of alarmed frustration.

“Seriously, none of the students picked up on the fact that these two are obviously married? We should flunk them.” Makki commented quietly, while Kenma nodded in agreement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They’d announced many of the incentives already, with a wide range of reactions. Kenma’s video game event was surprisingly much more popular than any of the professors had been expecting. Most of the students just seemed nervous at the prospect of Kyoutani and Yahaba teaching classes together for a week. Asahi’s hair went over wonderfully with the student body, but if anyone was really excited about it, it was Bokuto. 

Kuroo and Yaku had been on stage for less than three minutes and it was already pure chaos. There were at least two things on fire at all times, with Kuroo laughing obnoxiously as he operated a Macgyvered flamethrower made out of an aerosol spray and a lighter. Yaku seemed to be simultaneously thriving in the chaos and also putting out as many fires as possible. 

Akaashi had just barely managed to step backstage after wielding a fire extinguisher at a piece of Kuroo’s hair that caught fire when Oikawa and Iwaizumi ambushed him. 

“So clearly, you auctioned off dates with us.” Oikawa began without preamble.

“I didn’t do anything illegal.” Akaashi clarified.

“But you did auction off dates with us for this fundraiser.” Iwaizumi reaffirmed.

Akaashi looked up at the ceiling, begging whatever universal force to grant him a modicum of patience. He didn’t know whether it was a blessing or a curse when Kuroo screamed at that exact moment, having caught on fire again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Thank you, Kuroo-san, Yaku-san, for teaching us whatever that was supposed to be.” Akaashi announced later, an expression on his face like he’d drunk sour milk. 

“Anything for you, Akaashi.” Kuroo responded sleazily, but before Akaashi could smack him Yaku pushed him into a bucket filled with water. He went down violently, spilling water everywhere and groaning in pain. 

Akaashi ignored him.

“Next, Sugawara-san and Sawamura-san will display the joys of domestic bliss, all through an interpretive presentation.”

Every student stared blankly up at him. Bokuto chuckled from where he was standing behind Akaashi, and pried the microphone from him.

“He means that Suga is going to put makeup on Daichi-san, and if we’re lucky Daichi won’t kill us all.”

The student body burst out laughing and clapping, as Suga and Daichi emerged from backstage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwaizumi was restless. Clearly something was going to happen, and he didn’t want to stick around for it except Oikawa knew him well enough to keep his wrist in a vice grip. He was out of coffee, and there were no refills as far as he knew so now he was free to be just plain alarmed.

_What if they auctioned dates off with him and Oikawa and some student roofies them, or kidnaps them? What if they get fired for dating a student? Was this administration-approved?_

He glanced over at Oikawa, insecurity creeping into his train of thought.

_What if Oikawa goes on some phenomenal date with some astrophysics grad student and decides that he’s tired of me? They had known each other for a long time. What if now was too long?_

“Don’t be stupid.” Oikawa said, shaking him out of his reverie.

“Did I say that out loud?” Iwaizumi asked.

“No. But I’ve known you long enough to know what you’re thinking. And you should know me well enough to know that grad students aren’t really my thing.” Oikawa bit out.

Before Iwaizumi could say anything, Daichi emerged from the curtains. He had on bright pink eyeshadow, massive freaking eyelash extensions, and fuschia lipstick. His skin was glowing unnaturally, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“What the hell happened?” Iwaizumi asked, temporarily distracted.

“Look, something’s going to happen and I promise I wanted to tell you but they didn’t let me!” Daichi whispered frantically.

“Okay, but what happened to you?!” Iwaizumi demanded.

“Well I may or may not be (but most definitely am) allergic to whatever eyelash glue Koushi used.”

Oikawa whistled lowly. “Nice shade match on the foundation, Suga-chan.”

Suga beamed, before leading Daichi out of the room.

“If anyone needs us, we’ll probably be in the emergency room.” Suga called.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked at each other, sharing equally perplexed looks, before Akaashi came backstage with a grim look on his face.

“It’s time.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oikawa and Iwaizumi emerged onto the stage to raucous cheering. Neither of them were really paying attention to what Akaashi was announcing, their hearts beating too fast.

_We can’t date our students._

Akaashi turned to them, before saying into the mic, “Would you like to hear their request of you, the thing so many people donated money for?”

Oikawa came to his senses far quicker, and turned to the audience. 

“Look, we know we’re much younger than the other faculty, but it’s still somewhat wrong for you to ask this of us. Not to mention we might get fired for auctioning off dates to-”

“They would like you to go on a couple of dates with each other.”

Oikawa choked into silence. Both of them stood silent. Iwaizumi dropped his empty coffee cup.

“Well, their best goal is to have you both fall in love, but obviously they can’t force that to happen.” Akaashi delivered this line as deadpan and seriously as all the rest.

“Let me get this straight,” Oikawa began again, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands gesturing in the air.

“You want me, to date Iwaizumi-san.”

Most of the student body nodded resolutely, while some particularly hardcore fans of theirs shouted their affirmation.

Iwaizumi was taken aback, and didn’t really police his response.

“You want me to date this asshole.”

“Oh, please you wish you could get me.” Oikawa said, similarly forgetting the key details of this dilemma.

“First of all: I already did, and second of all: no, I really don’t.”

Most of the students narrowed their faces into expressions of confusion at what he had just said, but seemed to enjoy their professors playfully duking it out.

“You’re such a brute, and you’re calling me the asshole?”

“Seriously Oikawa, if we weren’t married I would not date you.”

“Oh shut up, Hajime.” Oikawa pouted.

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. Most of the students had gone pale; several keeled over in their seats in front of the stage and landed in the grass below.

“Sorry, Iwaizumi-san; Could you repeat that?” a particularly brave young student in the front row inquired politely.

“I was just kidding, you guys. Regardless of all the shit I say, I love my husband.”

“He’s your- You guys are-” the student in the front row fainted.

Oikawa’s eyes were wide.

“You guys, we’re married. We have been for, somewhere around 4 or 5 years.”

Akaashi thought he’d seen pure, bottled chaos when he’d unleashed Kuroo and Yaku on the stage.

That was nothing compared to this. 

“Isn’t this a win for you guys though?” Kuroo yelled over the chaos, trying to be helpful.

“Did you know about this?” A student in the front row shouted at Kuroo.

“I was at their wedding, it was really wonderful-” Kuroo was cut off when a student threw a wadded up piece of paper at Kuroo’s face with startling precision.

“Give us our money back, you massive fucking douche!”

“Everyone, QUIET!” Oikawa yelled. It was so rare that Oikawa used his ‘no-shit’ voice, that even Iwaizumi felt a shiver run up his spine.

“How about, in exchange for falling in love (since we already have), we’ll answer a couple questions.” Oikawa offered. 

The entire audience was quiet for a couple seconds until a lone voice piped up:

“So, who tops?”

Iwaizumi is now absolutely sure that the universe (or somehow Oikawa) is going to force him into an early grave.

Seriously, give him a shovel. He’ll dig it himself.

Anything to never deal with students, or their friends, or Oikawa, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, and that's that for this story! However, I really want to write more in this universe, perhaps other ships as the focus? Leave any suggestions for ships y'all want to see down below. I actually set something up in the middle of this chapter that I want to go through with, but idk. We'll see.
> 
> I have like 3 fics (not in this universe) planned. Also, I want to write a coffee shop AU so freaking bad, even though I know it's kind of overdone at this point. 
> 
> I'm currently working on a fic request from @queentheband that I'm surprisingly having a lot of fun with. 
> 
> As always, anything y'all want to read from me, anything y'all want to talk about, I'm always up for. 
> 
> And also: thank you so much for all the love y'all have given me throughout this fic. I read all your comments and they were the sweetest things. I love writing for the sake of writing, but y'all make it even better.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if there's anything or anyone you guys might want to see in this universe, or if y'all just want to talk, i'm incredibly bored all the time.


End file.
